My entire life I have been driven by a fear of failure.
And for years I actually believed this was a good thing. But I know better now.
Fear is a self-imposed prison. It's impossible to live free when you are led by fear. It's impossible to live in abundance, when you are afraid of what you lack.
And in life, you will always be motivated by one of two things. Love or fear. Your decisions, your perspective, your beliefs, your actions ... everything you do will find its root in one of these two places.
And there is a vast difference in a life driven by fear, and a life driven by love.
Love creates freedom. Fear creates excuses.
I thought I had conquered this fear of failure thing. But life is a great illuminator of the heart when you allow it to be. And sometimes when you think you have conquered something, you come to discover you are actually still in process.
Which is where I have found myself as I have tried to get this blog started. Still in process.
When I started having kids in 2007, life completely changed. I let go of everything I had always known and done, and stepped into a new season ... a season of being a full time stay-at-home mom. Which meant a lot of sacrifices. A lot of growth. And a new season of hiddenness.
And for the first time in my life I wasn't playing, coaching, traveling, working, or on a team in some way. It was a difficult adjustment I always fully embraced, but never fully adjusted to. Something that looks like not much, but really has been everything.
And about a year ago, I could sense a new season coming. We have settled and begun to put our roots in a new town and community. Our youngest is now 2 yrs old. Next year 2 of our 4 kids will be in school. There are less diapers. Less middle of the night wake ups. Less babying. And I feel a peace about it all. Like how you feel when you give yourself so fully to something, and you sense God give you a wink and a nudge, letting you know the next thing is about to come.
I've been feeling that wink and nudge.
Something inside of me has begun to awaken. And I have been pulling out dreams in my heart and peeling back layers. Trying to process how I am to walk out the bigger vision I carry. Trying to sort through what it all looks like and at the same time, learning to be comfortable with not being able to see the whole staircase.
But one thing I know for sure is I was created to use my life to encourage and empower people in their life. And I know my next step looks like me writing and sharing more. Which is where the idea of this blog was birthed.
Months ago, I signed up for a blog and started working on it. But I have just sat on it. Not moving forward. Just sitting on it, with a whole lot of excuses as to why I can't move forward.
Because, honestly, I have gotten so tripped up on the appearance of the blog. On the technical aspects of it. The categories. The menus. The pictures. The layout. The theme. And on and on and on ...
I have started and restarted over and over and over again. I have told myself I can't 'publish' it until it looks 'perfect'. Because if I am going to do something, I am going to do it right. And I need to know how to write better. I need to learn more. I need to know more. I need to make it better.
I have given myself 100 reasons to put this blog off. And most of them are legit, good reasons. But, I have just realized in putting this off, I am actually allowing myself to be led by fear. The fear of not knowing. The fear of not good enough. The fear of failing.
My 'reasons' for not starting, are actually really well disguised excuses rooted in fear.
And the thing is, I get to choose if I want to be led by fear or by love. But I can't be led by both.
Fear paralyzes you. Love moves you.
And I am learning to recognize that when I start to get over-analytical and caught up in reasons and details ... when I am not moving forward with something I know is necessary ... its a sure sign I'm being led by fear.
The first step is always the hardest. And there are so many reasons to not take the first step. But every one of those reasons is about me. Because fear is selfish.
And you see, I have this burning belief in my heart that no one on earth can do what I have been created to do.
And no one can do what you have been created to do.
We each have our own sphere of influence, our own gifts, talents, stories, experiences ... We each have our own unique blend that create our own unique selves. And when we withhold what we have been given ... when we allow ourselves to be led by fear ... we are doing the world a disservice. Everyone suffers when one of Gods children refuses to play their part.
There is never an excuse for being selfish with what you have been given to share with others.
I was created to use my life to encourage and empower others. And today I start by taking the first step toward the bigger vision I carry. Today, June 1, 2016, I commit to freely share what I have been given. To use all I have to help encourage and empower anyone and everyone that stumbles across this blog of mine.
Today I am shining a light on all my excuses and the fears in my heart, and I am choosing to live fearless and free.
Here we go!